After reaching goal weight I rode the coaster for a few weeks and continued to lose. It was a year-long trend I had gotten used to. Eat the same number of calories every day, burn the same number of calories every day, continue to lose.
And then.
I decided it was time to stop losing. So I started allowing a few "extra" treats and increased my caloric intake to find the right number for my body to maintain. That's when the chaos began. If I had one cookie, I had twelve. One day I stopped counting at 5,000 calories. Because of the restriction in order to lose, my brain decided I had to eat everything I wanted right away or it might not be available again tomorrow. I was literally out of control. Eating on autopilot.
This is what "dieting" can do to you, especially if you are losing weight rapidly. While I don't consider my journey a diet, I did cut out or limit all "extra" foods that would not specifically provide the energy I needed to workout. And I mean work out.
Over the course of the last month, I have been slowly learning to control the binge eating. I've had to ride it out and learn how to stop eating at a certain point. When the ice cream no longer tastes good, it is time to stop. I am still learning to eat to nourish, not to control my emotions. I am learning to celebrate small improvements. Instead of the whole box of cereal, I had one bowl. Yay! Instead of making myself miserable at the buffet, I chose what tasted the best and had enough to be satisfied. Yay! Not complete restriction this time, but control. I am also learning that there are times when "no" is more appropriate than "I'll just have one." I know myself and I know my tendency to want to binge. So sometimes I do still have to say "no" to one when I am at a weak point and know that one will lead to the whole bag.
My weight has fluctuated since reaching my lowest, but I have now faced the fact that I've "settled in" at a true six pound gain from my lowest. What a bummer. I've managed to maintain a great activity level, and if it weren't for that I'm sure my gain would be at least double what it is. I do believe I am back on track to get the notorious "last five pounds" off, but at a slower rate this time. I surely do not want to throw myself back into the restriction cycle and start this mess all over again.
Which brings us all up to speed. Yesterday was a good day. I had good numbers and ate a good variety of healthy foods instead of peanut butter all day. Yay! I had a rest day yesterday, so I'm pulling a double today. Eating wise, I'm on track for another good day. Yay!
I've lost weight before, but I've obviously never kept it off long term. I'd lose, then gain, then gain more, then gain some more. The mentality difference is that now that I have lost the weight, I realize that I have to continue what I did to lose in order to maintain. Yes, I can slightly vary my activity level or frequency, or eat a bit more, but basically, I am in constant "lose" mode. To be honest, sometimes it is exhausting. I also realize that my journey of health is daily and lifelong. One good day, day after day, makes a good week and a good month and a good year and a good life. It is empowering to know that surely, SURELY, if I can lose 90 pounds I can keep it off for good.
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